


Philosophy of self

by piltovers_finest



Category: League of Legends
Genre: Fluff, Humor, M/M, Mutual Pining, college + punk band au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-04-16 12:06:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14164485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piltovers_finest/pseuds/piltovers_finest
Summary: Punk concerts are where miracles happen.





	Philosophy of self

**Author's Note:**

> Rating chosen because there's some swearing up in this one, along with some references to mature themes. 
> 
> It is sfw besides that, and the characters are 25-ish.
> 
> Edit: Now proof-read.

Freedom cannot be received.

It's something to be conquered, not given. That's what Viktor does when he plays every Sunday night since he left college, drenched in sweat under the neon lights, the floor shaking beneath his feet as his heart tries to beat its way out of his chest. It's his way of fighting to be free, he pursues the feeling that he gets after they're done and he's standing on the stage with his ears ringing and unable to catch his breath, when he knows that it's never going to be the same because he's never going to be as free as he is right then.

He looks down at the crowd, obscured and hard to make out with the spotlight shining on him. His fingers hurt, his throat burns, his legs are shaking. Time doesn't feel real, he doesn't feel real. He exhales. Vi hits him in the back, hard, and he turns to her as she yells something, he doesn't know what, and the moment is shattered and he's back to being just Viktor, on the stage, with the strap of his bass digging into his neck.

"See you next week, asshats!" shouts Vi, into de mic, and the crowd cheers. Suddenly, everything is too much. Too little. Never enough but always overwhelming. Hot and cold.

Viktor turns on his heels and runs backstage.

-x-

Jayce has never felt so tired. Too tired to function, tired enough to pass out, and way too tired to even think about his goddamned thesis. Yet sleep eludes him, his brain set to overdrive, so he does the unthinkable and follows Vi into one of the most awful pubs he's seen in his life.

The place is dreadful but Vi has been nagging him to go to one of her concerts for what feels like, and might actually have been, years. He owes it to her, in a way, and she's the only friend he has so might as well use what's looking to be a long, sleepless, night to indulge her. Which doesn't make having to navigate through a myriad of bodies, some of them spiky, to get to the front any less annoying.

Vi's smile when he does get there, looking down at him from the stage, is kind of worth it. He tries to see her bandmates but the spotlights are off in the back and she's the only one that the light from the front can reach. Jayce watches as she turns her smile to the rest of the crowd, grabs the mic, and shatters Jayce's ears with a scream. It seems like everyone behind him is trying to get closer to the stage at once, pushing him, and just when he's about to turn around and yell at someone, the spotlights blind him and Vi strums a guitar.

His first thought after the sound fades is that he's too close to the speakers and his head is going to explode. Then it all starts again and he can't hear his own thoughts. The drums are too fast, too frantic, for him to follow. The bass is so heavy his whole body thrums to its rhythm. Vi's voice cuts through the noise like a war cry.

It's terrible.

Jayce feels alive.

And a bit nauseous, but it'll pass. Right there and right then; with Vi spitting out word after word about love, and violence, and war, he feels like everything in his life will come to an end eventually. The thought is as liberating as it's terrifying. Vi winks, at him or at the crowd who even cares, and Jayce realizes that he's laughing. At the idea of the finality of things in a punk concert with a spike digging into his spine, his ears buzzing, his entire being shaking, and his heart in his throat.

It goes on and on, waves of sound and movement and his own body swaying to it all, until suddenly it isn't happening anymore and Jayce doesn't know how long it's been since he could listen to the things happening inside his own brain. Vi struts around the stage, hits one of her bandmates in the back, and screams. Jayce can't hear shit until she calls him and everyone down there an asshat and he catches the guy with the bass running into the backstage without a word. Vi sticks her tongue out, strums her guitar, turns off the mic and drops it on the ground before following him with the drummer. Jayce thinks that she's Vi's girlfriend? Maybe? No idea.

About anything, really. Not his place in that pub, nor his place in the world as a whole. Why is he so tired if he's only been standing around laughing like an idiot as Vi jumps on stage?

"Hey, Jaycerino!" Vi crashes into him, drops her arms around his neck as she jumps, and Jayce almost loses his balance. "Come backstage, enjoy the privileges of being my friend."

She jumps off and he follows her, only half aware of what he's doing. He should go back home. It's late. How late? He doesn't know. There are many things he doesn't know, and the thought makes him anxious but he doesn't have time to dwell on it because Vi's kicking a door open and there the rest of her band is.

Jayce stays in the threshold, unsure of what the right move to make is. His emotions are out of control and it's pissing him off, and Vi's maybe girlfriend is staring at him, and fuck it. Fuck it all. He enters the room after Vi, closes the door and loses all his bravado once Vi's too far to get comforted by her just being by his side.

"So this is Jayce. Jayce, this is Caitlyn and that one sulking over there is Viktor," she points at Caitlyn, who he knows is Vi's girlfriend, and then at the other guy. He's sitting on the floor, legs crossed, his hair in disarray and his eyes dodging Jayce's. He doesn't look like he belongs in a punk band. What he does look is familiar, and Jayce frowns at him. Which makes Viktor frown back.

"What," he barks, voice gruff and low as he drags his hand across his hair, and the pieces of the puzzle come together. Jayce knows him, but he's changed a bit over the years. He's rougher around the edges now.

"We were classmates at college," Jayce says, but judging by how Viktor's frown deepens that wasn't the right way to keep the conversation going. "Viktor Evans, right?"

"Viktor Evans, yes. Who are you?"

That stings. Partly because he remembers talking to Viktor, and also because Jayce assumed that everyone knew him in his year. For better or for worse, just generally for worse because he's a jackass. Or so he's been told.

"Jayce Sawyer," he walks Viktor's way and offers him a hand. Viktor doesn't shake it, he kind of gives it a half-assed slap and then grabs it to use it to stand up. Jayce stumbles, caught off guard, but they manage to stay up and in one piece. "You dropped out, right?"

Vi makes a hissing sound by his left and he glances her way. She looks alarmed. Why.

Viktor walks past him and out of the room shoving him with his shoulder on the way. Caitlyn snorts. Jayce blinks at the spot where Viktor had been.

"What was that," he asks, turning to look at Vi, and she shrugs.

"You being a fucking idiot is what it was," she says. "Who even asks that, Jayce?"

Social norms are very confusing, he's realizing. As he's done many times before, but it feels like a revelation.

"It's true, though. Why can't I ask?"

Vi's looking at him like she does when she's going to tell him that he can't actually be that stupid. It happens often. Caitlyn doing too, though, that's new. Not a development he particularly likes.

"I don't even know what to tell you. Just get your stupid ass in gear and apologize, because that was fucking rude."

They're very uptight to be punks, he thinks, but he does let Vi save Viktor's number to his phone and promises her that he'll call.

-x-

It's been a week since, against his better judgment, Jayce went to that concert. He's been agonizing over that apology he owes Viktor for the entirety of it, with Vi nagging him via text every single day. It's not his fault that it's hard to apologize to someone when you don't think you should and when you're a disaster at socializing to begin with. Yet Vi won't be deterred and he breaks on Saturday afternoon and calls.

"Who are you?" Viktor says, on the other end of the line, and Jayce is kind of amused by the feeling of déjà vu.

"Jayce, don't hang up," he waits, expecting Viktor to hang up on him anyway, but all he hears through the static is a sigh that he takes as his cue to go on. "I'm sorry for what I did the other day? Whatever it was."

"I don't care, okay? Just let me be. I don't know you, pretend you don't know me."

"I don't know you, either," Jayce says, before he can get a grip of himself, and curses under his breath.

"Yeah, that's the attitude. Anything else?" Well, now that he knows who he is many things else. Like why even drop out when he was the only one in their class who was on Jayce's level. But he has a feeling that it would be rude as well, for whatever reason, and manages to keep that one in.

"Not...really? When's your next concert?"

"Tomorrow. Midnight, same place. Try not to come dressed like you're going to the yacht club."

Viktor hangs up on him before he can reply.

-x-

According to Vi, he doesn't look like that much of a rich twat.

"More like the kind of guy who would swear on an Elvis album," she says, tossing a shirt she brought with her across the room and into his lap. "You stood up like a sore thumb, kinda out of place."

"How did I look out of place. I'm good looking. I know that. That's half the job done, isn't it?"

"Jayce, you wore a flannel shirt buttoned up to your neck. It was embarrassing. You might be hot, but you're also like the biggest nerd on Earth," she throws a pair of black trousers at him too and he wonders if they came with the rips or if she ripped them off herself. Knowing Vi, it's probably gonna be the latter. "Try those on. I brought you some boots too, just so you don't get any ideas about wearing fucking loafers."

He barely even complains while changing and is very proud of himself for that, taking on account that he's had to jump around like an idiot to get in the stupid trousers. Thankfully, Vi's being polite, for a change, and looking down at her phone until she hears the zipper of the jeans going up.

"How do they look?" Jayce asks, already feeling like an idiot in them, but Vi smiles and it isn't that bad anymore.

"Better than your stupid khakis. Put the boots on already, we're gonna be late."

He does put them on, and a leather jacket that he finds in the depths of his wardrobe. Vi tousles his hair, hushing him when he tries to protest, and at least asks for permission before going to town with the eyeliner. Wearing it is odd and Jayce expects to look ridiculous and more out of place than ever. Once he looks in the mirror he has to admit that it's not that bad. Not his favorite, not something he'd wear much, but good to blend in.

It is also helping with the feeling of actually belonging there, right in front of the stage with who knows how many people pushing him to get closer. Vi steps on stage and strums her guitar, spotlights still off, and a deafening roar envelops him and it's dizzying, the idea that this might be his place. But the spotlights are suddenly on, and Vi's screaming, and Jayce is yelling with her to the beat of the drums instead of thinking about anything else.

He doesn't know the lyrics. He doesn't need to, they resonate with him anyway like the bass echoes through his body. Last week, he laughed like an idiot standing right by the speaker. Now, jumping and screaming and sweating like he's never done in his life, he realizes that he's crying and laughs anyway because who the fuck even does that at their best friend's punk concert.

"How was it?" shouts Vi into his ear after running off the stage, and Jayce has no idea. It's not as if he's ever been very into music before, he isn't sure he's into this music at all now or into the rush.

"It was fun," Jayce answers, and she beams and grabs him by the wrist to drag him backstage. Caitlyn is already there, laying on the floor. Viktor is nowhere to be seen.

"He'll come," Vi smirks at him, and Jayce is still too excited to even feel awkward so he pretends that he hasn't noticed.

Caitlyn sits up and waves at him and Jayce waves back. "His throat was sore, he went to get something for that. Told him to bring you some, too."

"Cool," Vi sits with Caitlyn and Jayce is starting to feel the buzz of his excitement wearing off. That's bad, because then he's going to start feeling anxious and it's going to suck.

The door opens and closes behind him and Jayce turns around and there Viktor is, holding two cups and not even looking at Jayce. Rude.

"Got you some tea. It was hard, pubs don't have tea," Vi snorts but takes the cup from him anyway. Jayce just stands there, quietly, until Viktor glances his way. "You look like Danny Zuko after a mosh pit."

Jayce frowns. "Thank you?"

"That was a compliment, I think," Caitlyn says, standing up to pat Jayce's arm. "Viktor doesn't know how to say nice things in any other way."

"It was a fact."

Jayce feels slightly lost and a little bit offended but it's not as if he picked any of the things he's wearing so it doesn't matter. Much.

"At least I don't look like I'm heading for yacht club anymore, that's progress." he says, and Viktor huffs before taking a sip of tea. Which is ridiculous, now that Jayce has a second to think about it. He's known Vi for almost his entire life and she's always been defiant. She does her own hair, yells at every figure of authority she encounters, and dresses like Jayce would expect a punk to do. Viktor he hasn't known for as long but he did meet him when at college and he kind of yelled at a professor once but that was about it. Sweaters and jeans are not what he'd call appropriate punk attire. Or old fashioned thick rimmed glasses. Or anything about him, besides the way he's looking at Jayce right now, eyes intense and fierce, as if he wants to pick a fight.

"Anyway, we gotta bail," Vi punches his arm and Jayce snaps out of his reverie and blinks at Viktor. He keeps scowling at Jayce until Caitlyn grabs his arm and forces him to leave his cup on the floor and help her carry the drums to the back of the room. Jayce jumps when Vi snorts by his side. "You staring at my girlfriend like that? Gotta warn you, she's as gay as they come."

"Good to know we have something in common. Which you already knew, by the way, so what are you even talking about."

"Is it Viktor, then? You into him?"

Jayce hushes her. "Shut up. I'm just looking, what's up with you? I haven't seen him since he dropped out."

"You shut up. I don't know, Jaycer, you are the kind to do stupid shit like that."

"We can hear you," Viktor says, from the other side of the room, and Caitlyn almost drops a drum laughing. "You aren't even whispering."

Vi flips Viktor off and Jayce laughs to mask his mortification as he does the same.

-x-

Life is a dull thing full of boring stuff. This is a reality with which Jayce made his peace years ago. What he wasn't expecting was exactly how nonsensical it all could get once he didn't have much to do, besides thinking aimlessly about his thesis with no clear schedule. He has a vague idea of when he has to have things ready, but it all feels too far away for him to focus.

There is also the fact that now that he has been to a couple of concerts he feels changed, and stupid for feeling changed. It's not as if he's a different person, or that he now all of a sudden pledges alliance to the Sex Pistols and wants to destroy the establishment. Jayce kind of did want to destroy the establishment even before he knew what the establishment was, and punk still sounds like awful noise to him.

It's the feeling of  liberation that confuses him. Never has he believed himself to be someone constraint to or by anything. Sure, college sucked and he dealt with that but it was mostly something that he wanted to do. He isn't doing anything he doesn't want to. Yet, during the concerts, he felt like maybe there were others options. Maybe it was okay to be tired, angry, frustrated. Maybe it wasn't him who sucked at being polite and nice and civil, maybe it was everybody else not getting him what made things hard.

Maybe it was fine to be himself, completely, just because he wanted to.

How could things be the same ever again when he knows that there's been moments in his life in which he's known how it feels to be Jayce, as he has wanted to be forever, and for that to be okay?

There's a knock on the door and he almost falls off his chair, balancing on its hind legs. Right, he's got a life and one friend and it would be a good idea to go back to that and stop with the introspection. Thinking too much about himself and his own way of living and doing things has never brought him any good, after all. And it's way too early for that, he needs to at least have dinner before he starts a journey of self discovery.

Jayce stands and drags his feet towards the door. Vi texted earlier asking when she could get her boots back, and Jayce doesn't expect anybody else to be there. If he had known that Viktor would be standing at his door, looking at him with distaste, he would have had combed his hair. Probably. Or wore something nicer than his pajamas, but done is done and there Viktor is, looking exhausted and hostile, and Jayce steps aside to let him in.

"Where's Vi?"

"With Caitlyn, somewhere," Viktor stomps into the room. Jayce closes the door and wonders how someone who looks so tired can walk with so much purpose. "You got her boots?"

"Yeah. They are by the wardrobe, you can get them yourself," he leaves Viktor to it, doesn't expect him to need him to do anything much, and judging by their recent interactions Viktor won't be happy to hear him talk at all.

So he tries to get something done, read a couple of pages of a book he has on his table, even if he doesn't bother with sitting. It's nice, silent, Viktor is taking a bit too long but whatever, he doesn't care.

It doesn't last.

"You aren't going to ask again?"

Jayce leaves the book on the desk and frowns at Viktor.

"Ask about what," Viktor is standing by his wardrobe with Vi's boots in his hands, frowning too. At Jayce. For whatever reason.

"Why I dropped out."

"Why did you drop out?" he asks, and Viktor's frown deepens as he grunts. "That's why. Listen, I'm bad at people. Can you just let me get this one thing right?"

"Why do you even care?"

Jayce feels like being an asshole and asking what he's talking about, but he knows and Viktor has gone from open hostility to curiosity and exhaustion lightning fast. It's odd, the contrast between the man he knew at college and the one standing in his room. He knows that they are the same, but Viktor now seems less tense. Which, for him, apparently implies still being tense just not quite as much.

"You want me to be honest?" Viktor huffs and okay. Fine. It's a legit question but whatever. "Out of everyone in that classroom, you were the only one on my level. If anyone could've made it through the degree without much trouble, it'd be you. If I remember correctly, your grades weren't half bad. I don't get why you decided to leave it all behind."

Viktor stares at him in silence for long enough that Jayce thinks that he isn't going to answer. So much for honesty. But then he sighs, holding the boots with one hand and dragging his other one through his hair. It's already a mess, and Jayce wants to stop him from doing that. He had that hand on Vi's filthy boots, it shouldn't get anywhere near his hair. Too late.

"You're as arrogant as I remembered, it's kind of comforting. Annoying, too, but what's new with you," Jayce could do without being insulted. Viktor doesn't ask before sitting on his bed, leaving Vi's boots on the floor. It's something that he didn't expect to see in his life, Viktor sitting in his room as if he belongs there with his ugly black sweater and his stupid black jeans. They talked, a bit, when they were classmates. Jayce thought of Viktor as a friend exactly once, the week before he dropped out, during a conversation on the ethics of taking away free will in an end justifies the means situation. And then he never heard about him again until the concert. "You want me to be honest?"

He sounds so serious that Jayce wants to punch him in the nose.

"Sure," he says, instead, and sits on his desk facing Viktor. "Or lie, I wouldn't know."

Viktor gives him the finger. Fair.

"I loved...I love research. It was my life, and I did it seriously. As much as a student can, anyway. But it got too overwhelming for me to handle, and I dropped out."

Jayce knows Viktor enough to see that he isn't lying, but he thinks that he isn't telling him the whole truth either. If he were a kinder man, he'd see that it's not his place to pry. He isn't, though.

"Bullshit. That can't be all there was to it. I mean, I get that it can be overwhelming but it must have been something else."

Viktor huffs. "Sorry I didn't drop out for whatever reason you think I had? I didn't expect you to get it, you had most professors enamored somehow."

The first thought that crosses Jayce's mind is who the fuck even says enamored anymore. The second is that Viktor is being unfair.

"Excuse me? I might be more intelligent than most, we both know that, but I worked hard to get that degree."

That seems to be the last straw. Viktor grabs the boots and stands up, holding Jayce's gaze as he crosses the room towards him. Jayce stays where he is, refusing to give in. Viktor  looks ready to throw the shoes at his head, everything about him oozing with aggression. That's new. Back in college he was less prone to showing how he felt. It isn't a bad look on him, anger. Fits the aesthetic.

"You fucking self-absorbed piece of shit," Viktor spits, and Jayce isn't angry, not yet, but Viktor is getting him there. "You think I didn't work my ass off until I couldn't handle it anymore? And what is it to you, anyway?"

Jayce bristles. "You asked, didn't you? I'm only answering. I wasn't going to bring it up, Vi says that it's rude or some bullshit like that."

"I wanted to get it out of the way. If we are going to be around each other because of Vi, we might as well behave. But nothing works with you."

"And you expect me to believe that one of the most brilliant minds in our fucking class left because he was, what, tired?"

Viktor huffs, exasperated, and Jayce wants to grab him by the shoulders and shake him. Scream at him to just tell Jayce what he wants him to do because it'd be easier for everyone involved. It's not the first time he fucks up, it won't be the last, it'd save them time and effort.

"Yes! Why would I leave if not for that? What do you want from me? A dramatic story about betrayal? It doesn't exist, Jayce."

This is absurd and Jayce is tired of arguing. All this fighting spirit that Viktor has acquired over the years is fun to stare at from the sidelines and maybe experience for a bit, but it gets overwhelming fast. He's always been intense, yet Jayce has only known his intensity over philosophical discussions, never as raw as this. Kind of thrilling, if he sets aside just how done he is with all the fighting.

So he tries to change the subject, slightly, hoping that it isn't something rude to talk about too.

"You stopped researching altogether, then? No more of that, only the punk life for you now?"

Viktor laughs, small and gruff, and it's familiar enough to calm Jayce down a little.

"No. I don't think I can do that. It's just...academia is not my thing, okay? You know how it works."

Jayce nods. "Yeah. I get it. It's just...I was...disappointed. Not in you. Well, a little bit in you because I kind of expected big things from you," Viktor kicks his shin, not hard enough to hurt. "It got more boring after you left."

That's...raw, honest and open, and Jayce regrets saying it the second it's out of his mouth. Viktor seems to appreciate it, though, judging by the way he smiles. Small, barely there, hesitant. Jayce smiles back, shrugging. It's as awkward as it gets, but Viktor steps back and relaxes his stance, no longer looking about to punch Jayce in the teeth.

"Still not your place to put any kind of expectations on me," Viktor says, and it shatters the moment and leaves Jayce wanting to punch him in the teeth instead. "I'm leaving before you start doing it again. No concert this Sunday but we'll be at Vi's. Guess she'll tell you when if you ask."

Viktor bolts and leaves before Jayce can see him off. Jayce stares at the door until his phone goes off, and once he checks he sees that it's been ten minutes of him lost in thought unsure of how to feel or react.

_Vi: viktor says taht he todl u that we gonna meet this sunday_

_Vi: be here at noon_

_Vi: D O N T wear loafers_

Jayce blinks at his phone. Is everything going to be so confusing now that he's getting even more tangled in Vi's mess? Before, when it was just them and he kind of knew that she had a band and a girlfriend and other friends that didn't mix with him, there was peace. Now that he's right in the middle of everything, things have the potential to get messy fast.

He types that he'll go and his thumb hovers over the send key.

Is it worth it?

He remembers Viktor's tentative, hesitant, smile. Vi's happy shouting in his ear after the concert. Caitlyn's laughter.

Jayce hits send with a sigh.

-x-

_Vi: texted him already_

_Vi: tell me y u coudlnt do it urself again_

_Viktor: complicated_

_Vi: complicated_

_Vi: ?_

_Viktor: too long to explain_

_Vi: ha_

_Vi: when hasj that worked viktorino_

_Vi: neer_

_Vi: fuck never_

Viktor pockets his phone and refuses to look at it until he reaches Vi's apartment with her boots. He's pretty sure that she made him get them on purpose, her date with Caitlyn be damned. It's probably fake, anyway. She is home right now, after all, and her doing this can only mean that she has a plan. Viktor dreads to know.

He knocks on the door and Vi opens with a smile so wide Viktor has the impulse to turn on his heel and leave. It's a wicked thing, it spells trouble. A bad omen. However, he's there and he's got her boots so he has to stay. Tragic.

"Viktor, get your ass in here. We gotta talk about your stupid crush on Jayce."

Viktor is aware that showing just how affronted he is by that assumption as Vi drags him inside by the arm isn't going to deter her, so he doesn't bother protesting. This was her plan, then. It all makes sense, now. Fuck.

"Vi," he starts, once they've reached her room, and Vi hushes him and pushes him to sit on her bed. Viktor sits, drops Vi's boots on the floor, and waits. Fighting her has never been productive.

"So how did it go? Did you work things out?"

"In a way, yes," Viktor is hesitant to say that they did, though. It could make Vi try harder to do whatever it is she's trying to do, and he also isn't sure of just how much they tolerate each other. It's hard to say. "He's insufferable, anyway, so don't get your hopes up."

"He's changed since you left college," Vi sits on the floor in front of him and Viktor shrugs.

"Doesn't mean he's less of an arrogant asshole after three years."

"Nah. Still, it has its charm, sometimes."

Right.

"It does not. And I do not have a crush on him." Vi doesn't seem fazed by that at all. It's annoying.

"You almost choked on your own spit when I told you that he was coming backstage."

"I was surprised. I hadn't seen him in years," he tries to answer in a level, reasonable, tone. It's not a very good try. "We barely even talked at college."

"Right. I mean, you don't have to tell me shit if you don't wanna but I know you and I know him. Crush or not, you would've spent weeks dancing around the issue of you dropping out without my helping hand. You're welcome, by the way."

Why must all his friends be infuriating. "Thanks. I almost punched him, it was fun."

Vi does punch him, in the shin.

"He isn't that bad. You know that. He's a tool and he listens to Michael Bublé and cries to Gloria Gaynor but not even I am perfect."

"Vi, he thinks that he can tell me that he was disappointed in me when I dropped out. He thinks that it's an okay thing to say. The right thing to do. That's how he works, because since college Jayce has been the kind of person that doesn't understand how humans work."

She smiles. It's terrifying.

Viktor would also like the condescending edge of it to go away.

"So are you."

-x-

It's the third month of his second year of college and Jayce is seriously considering dropping out.

He's unhappy, stressed out, hasn't slept in weeks, and has been sharing his brain with a headache for what feels like decades. Nothing about what he's doing motivates him anymore. No matter how much he likes the subjects, they're a chore that he'd rather avoid. Professors are paternalistic and lenient towards him and, sometimes, they appear to expect way too much from him. He hates that they would ask less of him than of others, as if he can't do what the others can, but he's also terrified of letting them down, and anxious at the prospect of letting even himself down.

The way he doubts himself, when he's never been one to do so, is taxing. His emotions are out of control and most days anyone who tries to engage him in conversation ends up yelling at him or just leaving and never trying again.

There have only been two exceptions: Vi, who's his best friend and doesn't count, and Viktor, one of his classmates. Who he's not sure why keeps trying to talk to him every once in a while when he has said more than once that Jayce is an obnoxious idiot. His reasoning aside, Jayce is in no mood to be told just how stupid he is for whatever position he tries to defend after two hours listening to the worst professor he's ever had droning about ethics.

Poorly.

Viktor doesn't seem to take the hint when Jayce hangs his bag over his shoulder and marches towards the classroom's door.

"Sawyer," he says, and Jayce chooses to pretend that he didn't hear him and doesn't stop walking. "Jayce. I know you can hear me, are you five?"

Jayce stops, takes a deep breath, and turns around. Viktor is standing a few feet away, arms crossed over his chest. If he weren't so pissed off he'd feel sympathetic at how tired he looks, too.

"No, I am not. What I am is very tired. You were here with me while Pididly missed every point ever made on free will. I'm sure you had loads of fun, too. Now, If you'll excuse me, I'd like to get to my room and write that pointless essay he wants us to hand in tomorrow. Or drop dead, whichever comes first."

Viktor scoffs and Jayce could swear that he's kind of smiling. Hard to tell. He's very pointy, lots of angles, and the room isn't well lit.

 "As if it's going to take you more than ten minutes, cut the drama," Jayce could tell him that it was probably going to take him hours because he's the kind to get obsessed with trying to write something good and do it perfectly, but what would be the point of that. "I just wanted to talk to someone, about something Pididly said. And you're the only one I know that would listen."

Jayce doesn't know if he should feel flattered. So far, his conversations with Viktor have been interesting, if slightly frustrating. Viktor, as much as it pains him to admit, is almost as brilliant as he is and his views and positions are just close enough to his that when they clash over something it's big, and they're both passionate and well-informed when it comes to discussing those things. What he does know is that he isn't in the mood to get in a philosophical debate, not today and not on free will of all things.

His curiosity be damned.

Damned to hell, because Jayce finds himself sighing and dropping his bag on the floor despite his reluctance.

"Okay, fine. What do you want to talk about."

Viktor steps closer and Jayce thinks that he should loosen up, a bit. He holds himself so tightly, even the way he walks feels nervous and anxious and contained.  It's as if he wants to take as little space as possible. Which serves Jayce just fine, he usually wants his presence to be larger than life, but still.

"Why does Pididly work on the assumption that free will exists at all? I mean, being that he is, as he likes to remind us, the leading expert in Artificial Intelligence it doesn't make much sense."

That's fun. Not that they're gonna talk about Pididly, Jayce is going to try to steer them clear of that, but he sees potential in that conversation.

"That's the wrong question. Who the fuck cares about what Pididly thinks. What we should be asking ourselves is if the concept has any validity left, and what it says."

"What about taking the parts and trying to work with them instead of assuming that free will, as an entity, is to be taken as guaranteed regarding human experience?"

Viktor sits on a desk opposite Jayce, and for all the tiredness that he exudes he looks like something's being lifted off his shoulders. Jayce looks for his own feeling of exhaustion and finds it alive and well but muted enough to smile.

"Freedom and will? Good luck trying to find a concept of freedom that you like. And that's even before we get into will. For all the discussion that there's been regarding free will, the practical thing to do is to take it as something that is there, no matter how in doubt, and work with it. "

"Right. And we haven't even mentioned the self and the other yet, which is an entirely different mess," Jayce's heart skips a beat at Viktor's words and he blames his own anxiety and longing for a conversation that doesn't grate on his nerves for that. "What about a situation in which free will, taking the concept as valid, has to be taken away?"

"I'm guessing that it would depend on the situation, but also on how you explain people who don't know what free will implies, and how it could not be an inherent human quality, that you're taking it away for whatever it is you want to do."

"A situation in which free will is jeopardized to begin with," Viktor says, slowly, and Jayce finds himself leaning in closer to hear him better. "And in which that puts other lives at risk, that could only be saved by stripping it away and including external control."

Jayce thinks that he's going down a dangerous path, theoretically or not. Jayce also thinks that they could spend hours talking about that hypothetical situation if they try.

They do.

Once Viktor takes a look at his phone and curses, they've been talking for three hours and Jayce would've stayed for three more. They've barely scratched the surface, at one point yelling at each other about morality, meta-ethics, the fear of losing control, fear itself, and the public implications of such an action.

Viktor is gathering his stuff from his desk and Jayce stares at him, drawn out but satisfied, and his head still hurts and he still feels like he wants to pass out for a week but he's stopped considering dropping out.

If only for moments like this one, walking out of class with someone he can talk to about the complexities of free will for hours, he will stay.

He smiles at Viktor, Viktor smiles back. It's a weary, thin, thing. Jayce bumps his shoulder with his, in a rare display of his good mood that almost makes him run to his room in embarrassment but Viktor huffs and shoves at his arm. It's good, it's nice, it's fun.

It's the last time he sees Viktor.

-x-

Caitlyn is the one who opens Vi's door on Sunday, looking Jayce up and down. All Jayce knows about her is that she's British and that she's into Vi for some reason, and he's stunned into silence until she waves.

"Hello."

Caitlyn steps aside, leading the way inside. "Jayce. Vi and Viktor are screaming at each other about the Bad Brains. Would you like to come in?"

He follows her towards Vi's room, and sure enough he can hear Viktor and Vi yelling from the corridor. Caitlyn grabs his arm, startling him, and drags him to Vi's tiny living room.

"I'm tired of their bloody screaming matches. I know that they aren't...actually fighting, but it stresses me out. They'll stop, eventually."

Caitlyn sits on Vi's sofa and Jayce hesitates before she looks at him with an eyebrow raised and pats the cushion to her left. Fine. She doesn't bite, he hopes. The silence, though, punctuated by Vi and Viktor yelling in the distance is too tense for his liking. What can they even talk about? What do they have in common? Vi?

"How did you meet?"

"Me and Vi?" he nods, and Caitlyn laughs. "Well it's not...glamorous or anything. Not even that romantic. You and me, we are the same breed."

Jayce is unsure whether or not to feel offended. "How so?"

"I come from a rich family. Had never stepped out of London, lived a pretty dull and boring life. Then I come here on vacation, brave a pub, and meet the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. The only punks I'd known where on Picadilly and took pictures with tourists, you know? And there Vi was, talking about everything that I found absurd and stupid."

"She does that a lot."

Caitlyn snorts. "She does, yes. But picture me, bored out of my mind and unsatisfied with a life that felt scripted, meeting a girl with pink hair that spoke about liberation as if it were possible. As if she believed in it. Once I felt what it was like, going back to London was unbearable. I also fell in love with her, as you know, and decided to take a chance for once. It's worked out nicely, if I do say so myself."

She smirks, and Jayce is going to ask her why. How. Where did she get the courage to leave it all behind. Doesn't she regret it, sometimes? Wouldn't she want to go back to what she knew? To the safety of a life that was laid down for her beforehand? But Vi comes barreling into the room then, throwing herself at Caitlyn, with Viktor following her dragging his feet.

"Hey, Jaycer! Welcome to my humble abode. Sorry I sent Cait to the door, was busy kicking nerd ass."

"Don't let her trick you, she has no idea what she's talking about," Viktor says, as he sits by Jayce, and Vi sticks her tongue out. Jayce knows himself and had anticipated that being in a room with three more people, one of which being very loud, would be overwhelming. Just not how much. "Anyway. These gatherings are usually an excuse for Vi to make out with Caitlyn while I write lyrics, you can come with me if you want to."

If Viktor has sensed his discomfort somehow and acted on it or is being serious, he doesn't want to discover by staying there with Vi and Caitlyn so he stands when he does and follows him back into Vi's room, taking a deep breath against the closed door.

Kind of funny, being an overbearing self-assured asshole that gets antsy when with more than two people at once in the same couch.

"You okay?" Viktor asks, and Jayce tries to laugh but doesn't quite get there.

"Not used to crowds."

He expects a dry remark. Something like three people not being a crowd. Viktor just nods and sits on Vi's bed.

"I kind of lied, anyway. We usually rehearse until Vi's neighbors call the cops on us and we have to run. What I said happens sometimes, though," Jayce cannot picture Caitlyn and Viktor running away from cops, not with how Caitlyn talks and with how Viktor looks, but it's fun to try. "You just looked uncomfortable, I guess. Sorry for interfering, in any case."

"No, it's fine. Thanks. I can come back if I want to, it's not a big deal."

Once he gets his people person persona back, and stops screwing up his own social life. Would be nice if that happens soon.

"I would advise against that, they are probably making out now that they're alone."

Jayce laughs, and is surprised at himself when it doesn't come out half as awkward as he expected. Viktor isn't even smiling, just sitting there with his stupid messy hair and his straight nose and his awful fashion choices. Jayce sits with him on Vi's bed, willing himself to stop thinking that it's a weird thing to do. That they weren't even good friends at college, that the longest conversation they've had recently has been half a fight, that it's odd to sit on a bed with someone you haven't seen in three years. But at least, he reasons, it's a chance to try and find out what Viktor's been up to since he left.

"So...how's life been."

Viktor huffs, and Jayce glances his way. "Seriously? Just going straight for it?"

"Why not."

"It's been three years, what makes you think I'm going to tell you anything."

Jayce shrugs. "I don't know. You could choose not to, but can you really resist this face."

Vi would pester him about flirting for years. Which he isn't doing, thank you very much. He's trying to...do something. Make a friend. Remake a friend? Talk to Viktor, about anything, just so they don't have to sit on Vi's bed in tense silence until they decide on something to do. That's reasonable.

"Well I can, and I'm going to. All you need to know is that I met Vi and started writing songs," Viktor catches him staring and frowns, but it doesn't feel like he wants to pick a fight. More like he's puzzled and trying to figure Jayce out, and it's making Jayce antsy. "It's been good. I had a harsh time after dropping out, but things are looking better now."

There that fierceness is again, as if he has to show Jayce in any way he can that what he thinks and has to say regarding his choices doesn't matter. Jayce looks at him, at the way his jaw is set and his eyes are narrowed, and he wouldn't say that Viktor is handsome. Not really. Yet he is, kind of, when he's looking at Jayce with the intensity of someone ready to refute every single point he makes.

 Jayce gathers himself and looks away before he can follow that train of thought any further.

"I was thinking of dropping out the last time we talked before you did," he says, instead of any other reasonable thing that doesn't make him vulnerable, because he's been left raw and open and he hasn't talked about it with anyone, not even Vi. "Considering it."

"You don't have to tell me shit, you know? It's not as if I'm going to trade secrets with you," Viktor's voice is harsh. Jayce doesn't resent him. Much. "We both were in a bad place, took different paths. Looks to me like we're both sitting on the same bed right now so there's that."

Jayce, against his better judgment, turns to look at Viktor again. He's already staring at him, dead serious, and wanting to kiss him should be more of a shock. They don't even know each other that well, it's not like they've talked much. Yet Jayce can't deny it.

"I don't want to trade, just want to talk. You say I'm an obnoxious asshole but have you ever heard yourself?"

"What do you want to talk about? How you made the right choice and I didn't?"

Kiss him or punch him, whichever happens first if he doesn't drop the subject.

"No, you fucking idiot. I want to talk about me almost dropping out and how I didn't because we had a talk on free will that made me stay."

All this being sincere and emotional around Viktor is getting out of control.

Viktor looks at him, piercing and searching, and drags his hands through his own hair with a long suffering sigh. Jayce's fingers twitch.

"You are kidding."

"No."

Then Viktor grabs his face with both hands and Jayce's stomach drops, and Vi's voice comes booming from the corridor.

"Stop sucking face, Vi and Caitlyn coming through!"

And the door opens with a bang and his face feels colder than it has ever been, and Viktor's staring resolutely ahead and not at him.

"So there's some tension here," Vi says, and Jayce starts laughing and can't stop. Someone's patting his back but he doesn't care who. By the time he's recovered, only Vi's left in the room with him. "Were you really snogging, dude?"

"No, we weren't. No. I think we were getting there, though, so thanks for that," Vi's eyes go so wide that Jayce is on the brink of having another laughing fit.

"You are shitting me. Fuck. Sorry. Caitlyn and Viktor are in the living room, I can tell him to come back. Respect the sanctity of my bed. Please."

Jayce snorts. This isn't happening. He isn't talking to Vi about how he thinks that they almost maybe kissed. For all he knows Viktor could've been trying to headbutt him.

"No, it's fine. I'm not sure if that was going to happen, really," it isn't every day that he feels lightheaded enough to laugh himself stupid, Vi's his best friend, he's already being awfully honest. To hell with it all. "I wanted it to. No idea about him."

"Shit. I mean. I knew that you kinda had the hots for him because he's your type and you talked about him when you were at college and don't even fight me on this, Jaycerino, but I didn't know it would happen so fast. What are you gonna do now? Talk to him?"

He shrugs. There's not much that he can say. He'd fight her on Viktor being his type, but there's no use in trying to contradict Vi in anything she says.

"No idea. Go home, I guess. Think it through."

"Okay. Fine. But don't think about it too much or you'll scare yourself out of talking to him."

"I won't"

He goes home, relieved that Viktor isn't behaving any differently when he and Caitlyn see him off at the door, and he spends the entire week thinking about it until he ends up scaring himself out of doing anything at all.

-x-

Viktor stays after Caitlyn leaves. He sits with Vi on the floor, shoes off, and waits for her to start harping on it as she usually does.

When the clock reaches two in the morning and she's still rambling on about how good Al Schvitz is on the drums, Viktor can't stop bouncing his leg and needs to let it out before his own feelings make him explode.

Emotions are an awful thing to have, a curse.

"Vi, I have a problem."

She stops talking, blinks at him, and smiles. "I'm listening."

"Jayce is my problem."

"We have many things in common, you and I. Pity we are both so tragically gay," Vi pats his foot. "So what's your problem, exactly?"

"I...don't laugh at me, I'll punch you," he warns, and Vi pats him again. "I had a crush on him when we were at college. We didn't talk much but he was handsome, he was smart, he could hold himself in a conversation. He was interesting."

Vi hums. "Yeah. He said some stuff about you too, around that time. I'm noticing that you're talking in the past tense here? We dealing with a Jayce impersonator now?"

"Shut up. My...feelings," Vi snorts. Viktor tries to ignore her. "Died with time. Or so I thought. Did you know that I dropped out because of him?"

"No, but I wouldn't be surprised. He's annoying."

"It wasn't because of that. We talked about free will, it made me think about freedom, I started theorizing and decided to follow my own views on the matter and refuse to do anything I didn't want to do. It was...pretty dramatic."

"Oh, I remember how you were back then. That's when we met, at the pub. Loved how angry you were, got extra points for yelling at a cop."

"Focus. You mentioned him, sometimes, but I figured that he wasn't the kind to be interested in what we do. But he was. And today we talked, not about the things we used to but still."

"He's still handsome, and smart, and can hold himself in a conversation?"

Viktor is about to open up and drop his heart on Vi's floor. She's going to have to deal with that mess. She's asking for it.

"It's worse than that, he cares. About...me, and other things I guess. I hate it."

"But not him."

"Not him."

"Cool."

"In which way is me having a crush on Jayce again cool, enlighten me."

Vi sighs, as if she's very tired. It is late, but he knows that she stays up later than that.

"You are an idiot and are going to have to figure it out by yourself. Now go to sleep before I kick your ass out of my house."

-x-

_Vi: hes coming backstage today too_

_Vi: prlly overthought everythign and about to fuck up_

_Caitlyn: have a little faith love_

_Vi: impossible_

_Vi: i know him i know how he is hes gonna fuck up i dont wanna watch_

_Vi: and viktors liske so into that idiot_

_Vi: haaateeweww theeememeemmee_

_Caitlyn: should we leave them to it, then?_

_Vi: yyyyeeeaaah_

_Vi: wanna go midnight bowlin?_

-x-

The backstage is empty when Jayce gets there, still reeling and breathless, until the door opens with a bang and Viktor stomps in and stops dead once he spots Jayce there.

"You know where Vi and Caitlyn are?" Viktor asks, and Jayce shrugs. "At least they cleaned up before they left."

He stares as Viktor sits on the floor and starts fiddling with his bass as if Jayce isn't even there. As if Jayce isn't questioning everything he knows about him, and everything he's ever thought true about himself and how he wants to live his life, because he's attended three of his concerts and has had the revelation that he finds Viktor hot when he plays.

Up on the stage, Viktor isn't like the person he knew at college. He's much more like the one he's starting to know now; defiant, looking for an excuse to fight whoever gets in his way, intense. Free. Jayce has a feeling that, back at college, Viktor was still defiant and intense and a fighter, just less prone to showing it. It's thrilling, being able to see him be so unashamedly when he's out there.

Losing the possibility of experiencing this just because he wants to maybe make out with him? Not a good plan. So he'll swallow his feelings down and go on with his life, get a PhD, keep on being smarter and prettier than average, and stop worrying about Viktor.

Who's staring at him from the floor, bass held between his legs, frowning.

"What's up with you?" Viktor asks, leaving the bass propped against the wall.

He decides to cop out and answer a question with another question just to deflect.

"Does it always feel like this?"

"What? Going to a concert?" Jayce nods and Viktor smiles and stands up, stepping closer. "Not always, but most times."

"How is it for you, up there?"

Viktor won't stop looking at him, and Jayce won't stop looking at Viktor. It's wreaking havoc on his nerves.

"There's nobody here now, want to try going out there?"

He blames nodding on how dazed and exhilarated he still is as Viktor grabs his arm and drags him out of the room and onto the stage. The spotlights are off and they're the only one's there, yet Jayce can feel his heart beating in his throat. Up on the stage, looking down on the empty pub floor, it's as if he could do anything. Be whoever he wanted to be. It's like being down there looking up at Vi as she sings only tenfold.

Jayce has never learned to play an instrument or sing. All he knows about music has been taught to him by Vi. His taste is, according to her, boring and bland. Yet, in that moment, he feels like he could be a part of what they have. Leave everything behind. He gets what Caitlyn said, now, how they're the same breed.

"When we talked about free will," Viktor starts, and Jayce turns to look at him. He's looking ahead, Jayce catching only his profile. "Freedom became something that I wanted to pursue. Here, on this stage, is the only place where I feel free. And only when we are done, and I'm too tired to think of me as me."

Asking Viktor if he loses himself to his music would be a shameful over-simplification, so he doesn't. Jayce keeps looking at his profile, sharp angles softened under the weak lightning in the pub, until Viktor turns to him.

"So you think about the philosophy of self after you're done singing about fucking the system?"

"Not as such, but close. It doesn't get freer than not being at all."

Jayce's resolve regarding not acting on his feelings at all crumbles under Viktor's gaze, it's shattered by the way he looks standing on the stage like he owns it even if he doesn't dress much like a punk. It dies at the hands of Viktor's half smile, eyes set on Jayce, barely a foot apart. Just casually existing in his same space, breathing his same air. The gall.

"Hypothetically speaking," Jayce starts, trying for casual but probably failing. "If I were to kiss you right now, would you throw me off the stage?"

Viktor steps closer. "Try me."

Jayce grabs him by the neck of his stupid sweater and kisses him with no finesse. Viktor kisses back, fierce and intense and everything Jayce expected him to be. A fighter, even when he's cradling Jayce's face in his hands. Jayce lets go of his sweater and buries his fingers in Viktor's hair, sighing into the kiss.  Viktor ducks his head, takes a breath, and bites at Jayce's jaw before taking a step back. Jayce's hands fall on his shoulders.

"You're still on the stage," Viktor says, voice deep and low, and a shiver runs up Jayce's spine.

"Shocking."

"I can still push you off if that's what you are into."

Jayce kisses Viktor before he can keep on talking because it's tragic, how much of an idiot he is and how into him Jayce is anyway.

-x-

A month after they, according to Vi, got over themselves Viktor's playing his bass laying on Jayce's bed and Jayce is writing down a timeline for his thesis.

Jayce looks up from his laptop at Viktor, humming along to what he's playing, and as he looks at the tense line of his shoulder and the mess that his hair is he's acutely aware of how noisy the music that Viktor likes is.

Viktor glances his way.

Jayce shuts his laptop down, crosses the room and kisses him. Viktor laughs into it and pushes him away with a hand on his chest.

"Tired?" Viktor asks, and Jayce shakes his head. Viktor shrugs and keeps on playing.

It's terrible.

Jayce feels alive.

**Author's Note:**

> my brand is them having 11 phds each and still needing vi to sort things out for them because they suck at feelings
> 
> also discovered while writing this (thanks nad) that vi's voice actress sings vi's song so tis canon everyone


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